Tuesday, June 10, 2014

"Choose Valentina" by Walter Eckland

EXCERPT
Choose Valentina
by Walter Eckland


Description
What is the antidote to an Evil Queen and two perfectly pouty Princesses?
Why, Valentina of course!
She is the nicest niece of the nasty reigning Reign of Candela. To the total non-amusement of both the Queen and her off-putting offspring, Valentina is chosen as the choosing one. Don’t panic! Valentina is fearless in the face of fright. It has been three hundred years since the last Dragon Decade and things are sure hatching in their baths of blood. Toss some newly elected and selected friends in the pot, stir, shake, escape ... and then we have an adventure on our hands! 

Excerpt
Valentina and the Choice
It was a Dragon Decade.
Of course that was completely new and exciting for everyone. There is never any way of telling when one will come along. Oh yes, there are those that predict and foretell and portent. They are liars, fibbers, cheaters, fabricators, phonies, frauds or charlatans, and occasionally, the Queen will chop off one of their heads.
Let’s clarify that if you please, please. Occasionally, the (evil) Queen will chop off the one and only head that sits upon the broad-, narrow-, medium-, or shoulder-sized shoulders of one of her completely foolish fools of a fool citizen who wrongly predicts, portends, postulates, populates, or hallucinates a Dragon Decade.
Big ouch!
Did I just say evil Queen? I do believe that, in fact, I did, back there, right before that choppy ouch part. When I said “evil,” I would imagine that you pictured a picture in the full-color pictures parts of your mind of this Queen. Wait. Let’s uppercase label her: this Evil Queen.
Maybe we should make her bold too, since she’s a Bold Evil Queen.
Ugly, I assume was your first thought when you thought about thinking about her. Mean. Awful. Terrible. Vicious. Nasty.  Privileged. Castle dwelling. Horrible smelling. Servant abusing. Jewel encrusted. Diamond dusted. Spicy mustard. Well fed.  Well fed with rich delicacies. Rich. Delicate. Richly delicate.
I bet you even think she gets fresh, homemade, mint jelly served with her lamb brains stew.
You are almost all of the way correct. She is all those things you thought, mint jelly included, ugly part excluded. Oh no, this Evil Queen is definitely not ugly. She is beautiful. She is gorgeous. She is the visionary envy of everyone in the kingdom (or should that be queendom?) and the other ten close-by kingdoms or queendoms. She’s a stunningly stunning stunner—pretty, gorgeous, exquisite, radiant. Why, the very sun itself stops in its sun tracks when it sees her sunny, glowy glow.
Oh, she has great clothes and shoes too.
Wait, you’re thinking. She must have some rotten daughters.  Terribly ugly, grotesque little things, you guess. Nasty skinny stinkers, miserable misshapen medium-sized makers of mayhem, or horrid-looking portly porkers, one envisions. Temper-tantrum throwing terrors for sure. Not at all good looking, painful to gaze on, terrible eyesores, vicious, hideously ugly brutes, one assumes.
Once again you’ve half nailed the nail on the nail’s whole head. La Queen has two hor-ren-dous-ly rotten daughters and one youngest mis-er-able brat of a son. However this trio of terror is simply, handsomely, beautifully, stunningly stunning also and too.
They also have great shoes and clothes too, also, too, and also and positively definitely, for sure, no doubt, also, and too. All of their fab-u-lo-so shoes are sized to fit, and they never ever have to tie their own laces.

Review
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About the Author
Walter Eckland is an odd sort of duck who throws a bunch of words together and then hacks the heck out of them afterwards. Sometimes they align well pre or post the masticating. Sometimes said words align humorously. Once they made someone cry. We don't know why. Most times the words get tossed in an electronic waste receptacle to be reused in a more conventional manor by someone who probably DID pay attention in seventh grade English and did learn about grammar, punctuation and run on sentences while Walter was listening to his ADHD and trying desperately to sit still.
Walter used to spend a boatload of time in airplanes crossing the little pond between the North East of the new world and the old continent. Australian Shiraz fueled much of the word proliferation during that time until Walter switched to Cabernet Sauvignon.
These days Walter does a little repetitive South to North travel path and dusts off some old words and tries to make sense of whatever nonsense he intended at the time. Most of his ramblings fall into silly children's books or old style science fiction. One sci-fi book involves a fat lady and a Volvo.
Walter's first Kindle offering, Corie Universe Feeder, involves a young girl that reminds him a bit of his daughter. There are two more books in the series (so far). Book Two, Corie Castle Builder, is kind of different but still the silly same stuff. Book Three, Corie World Creator, takes a few odds turns and almost makes a point or two.
Choose Valentina is his latest offering.

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