Tuesday, April 15, 2014

"The Stolen Email Archives of Feable Industries" by John Wapner

The Stolen Email Archives of Feable Industries
by John Wapner


Description
At approximately 2:15 am on October 24th an individual or group breached the security of Feable Industries corporate email system and published the company's email archives to a bittorrent server. The catalog of inappropriate office conduct, moral depravity, sex, corporate corruption, prurient behavior, mental disorders, incompetence and sex quickly caused the archive contents to go viral.

Excerpt
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[from:] "Tank" Ullshed (Teamwork Consultant)
[to:] Company Wide Distribution List
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:35 PM
[subject:] Teamwork!!!
[body:]

Hi everybody! My name is "Tank" Ullshed.

------------------------------------
[from:] Penny Ullshed (Teamwork Consultant)
[to:] Company Wide Distribution List
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:35 PM
[subject:] Teamwork!!!
[body:]

And I'm Penny Ullshed.

------------------------------------
[from:] "Tank" Ullshed (Teamwork Consultant)
[to:] Company Wide Distribution List
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:36 PM
[subject:] Teamwork!!!
[body:]

And during the next few weeks we're going to be talking to you about TEAMWORK!

------------------------------------
[from:] Penny Ullshed (Teamwork Consultant)
[to:] Company Wide Distribution List
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:37 PM
[subject:] Teamwork!!!
[body:]

That's right. My husband "Tank" and I are going to be showing you how TEAMWORK can make YOUR company work better. I have a degree in psychology from the University of California and I'll helping all of you learn interpersonal relationship skills that will help in understanding and working with your fellow employees!

------------------------------------
[from:] "Tank" Ullshed (Teamwork Consultant)
[to:] Company Wide Distribution List
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:39 PM
[subject:] Teamwork!!!
[body:]

Indeed! I bring my years of TEAMWORK experience as a college and semi-pro football player to the field! You'll see how that gridiron experience translates into valuable techniques for dealing with problems, understanding the strengths and weaknesses of your fellow employees and overcoming obstacles! I'll be your coach in building bonding relationships with your co-workers.

Some of you will soon be getting an invitation to join our first TEAM exercise next week!

------------------------------------
[from:] Penny Ullshed (Teamwork Consultant)
[to:] Company Wide Distribution List
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:40 PM
[subject:] Teamwork!!!
[body:]

We look forward to meeting you all and I hope that you're all as excited as we are to get going!

From your TEAMWORK team...

...Penny...

------------------------------------
[from:] "Tank" Ullshed (Teamwork Consultant)
[to:] Company Wide Distribution List
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:41 PM
[subject:] Teamwork!!!
[body:]

...and "Tank"!

------------------------------------
[from:] Jared Osko (Senior Engineer)
[to:] Will Gakken (Finishing and Detail Manager) ;Ethan Starsh (Systems Analyst); Mike Kusek (Project Manager)
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:42 PM
[subject:] RE: Teamwork!!!
[body:]

Oh no.

------------------------------------
[from:] Mike Kusek (Project Manager)
[to:] Will Gakken (Finishing and Detail Manager) ;Ethan Starsh (Systems Analyst); Jared Osko (Senior Engineer)
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:43 PM
[subject:] RE: Teamwork!!!
[body:]

I hate them.

------------------------------------
[from:] Ethan Starsh (Systems Analyst);
[to:] Will Gakken (Finishing and Detail Manager) ;Jared Osko (Senior Engineer); Mike Kusek (Project Manager)
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:44 PM
[subject:] RE: Teamwork!!!
[body:]

Already.

------------------------------------
[from:] Dennis Farland (Human Resources Manager)
[to:] Andy Whitmore (Central Southern Sales District)
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:46 PM
[subject:]  Office Move
[body:]

Hi Andy,

Is it Al Hibler you're talking about? It is Al, isn't it? Look, Al is our top sales guy so sometimes we have to forgive some of his little eccentricities. And we've all been subject to them! He once coughed up a big wad of phlegm into a small fish bowl that I had on my desk when he was angry with me having questioned the number of vacation days that he had taken last year. And the small beta that I had in the tank died almost impossibly fast as if there had been something in that spit, something so poisonous and vile that

Sorry, I was going off on a tangent there. Anyhow, maybe maintenance can help you find a new spot.

By the way, what sort of car do you drive? You've heard about our new parking policy?

Dennis Farland
Human Resources Manager

------------------------------------
[from:]  Ethan Starsh (Systems Analyst)
[to:] Mike Kusek (Project Manager)
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:47 PM
[subject:] RE: email users / unapproved software
[body:]

You read Vanroon's email? Wow man, that's going to be ugly. You take away some people's solitaire and it's like you've killed their first born. I've seen it before. This is not good.

------------------------------------
[from:] Mike Kusek (Project Manager)
[to:]  Ethan Starsh (Systems Analyst)
[date:] 9/16
[time:]  4:53 PM
[subject:] RE: email users / unapproved software
[body:]

Oh, how bad can it be. I saw a group policy that you can use to block everything but approved app's. I can flip that on tonight.

It won't be a big deal.
------------------------------------

Review
Made me snort coffee out of my nose. Hilarious. I felt like I knew and worked with some of these people. I've already recommended it to friends. 

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